Office holiday parties are simply the best. They start off polite and more than a little weird.
It is probably the only time you are going to see most of these people outside of the workplace. You are delighted to learn that Gladys from HR really does wear oversize t-shirts with iron on decals of her cats when out of uniform (called it!). You totally forgot the mail clerks name (starts with an M?).
The awkwardness soon dissolves once the drinks start flowing.
You don't normally drink that much, but hey, the boss is buying. You want to make sure he cringes just a little at the bill. It's not like he's going to know who ordered what. Besides, the devil incarnate who signs your checks was in a Scotch induced haze when he showed up.
It is important to decide at the beginning how this night will progress. Much more importantly, how Monday will treat you.
Will people greet you with snickering followed by some alien catchphrase?
"Well if it isn't Mr."My shoes are pee pee sneakers!"
Or will they high five you and relate some vague notions on how you are, in fact, awesome?
Here are some tips to help you stay awesome:
1. Understand how your body absorbs alcohol
This site lists some key factors of how quickly you will get drunk. If you are a ninety pound woman sick with the flu and hopped up on Dayquil you should sip very, very slowly.
2.Avoid taking shots
If you don't want to appear like the spirit of no-fun Christmas, taking some shots will be unavoidable. But if you see the glasses lining up on the bar, try to make a quick exit before anyone sees you. Go to the bathroom. Step outside for a cigarette. Don't smoke? Good for you Charlie Pink-Lungs. Pretend you do and go outside anyway. Shots will sink you fast.
3.Time your drinks
If you're pounding drinks in less than 5 minutes you will blacked out far before your manager starts revealing embarrassing tattoos. Take note of when you start a drink and try to wait at least an hour before your next one. If someone notices you taking forever on a drink, pound that one and order a Coke. Take a sip of that Coke and act like it's the strongest drink you've ever tasted.
4.No drugs
Everyone else is doing it you say. It will make you seem cool you think. All valid points. However, these people are not your friends, and forgiveness for stupid acts is not a given. You cannot "handle your Xanax". So when that weird intern comes around with his arsenal, pretend like you're too drunk to see him. Temporary pretend drunk blindness is your friend.
5.Limit caffeine intake
I'm looking at you Red Bull. Large amounts of caffeine make you feel impervious to damage. You will feel like you can drink way more than you actually can. You will also have the energy to perform embarrassing acts at twice the speed and half the time.
6. Avoid the Functional Alcoholic.
This person will never leave the bar. They have the bladder of the camel and often the inability to stand. Is their drink full right now? Blink. Now it's empty. Blink. Now it's full again, wait no, empty again. They will trick you into drinking more than you want, and will never appear drunk. Beware their tricks.
Follow these and you'll be able to hold your head up high on Monday. Remember to stay strong.
One last thing, no after parties. The mistakes you make there could haunt you your whole life. Or at least the next 18 years.
Ratings:
Mr. Pee Pee Shoes: Unacceptable
Mr. Awesome Fantastico: Acceptable
