Who Not to Be

                                         General Tip: Avoid drinking anything neon colored

A bar can become that place where everybody knows your name. That's not always a good thing. You do not want to become these two characteristic bar patrons.

We all know "That Guy". The more he drinks, the more charming he becomes. His slurs are brimming with wit. That Guy can say the most offensive things, but his beaming smile and adherence to being real allow us to laugh with him. We can't believe we managed to survive without his endearing presence. "Buy That Guy another shot!" chants the bar. We lift him on our shoulders as we join in on a spirited rendition of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow".

At least that's what he thinks.

Everyone else is praying to God, Allah, Steve Jobs, and Satan simultaneously hoping to make it stop. Please, anything... just stop. Seriously, giving wedgies wasn't  funny in grade school when it was at least age appropriate. And no matter how much you love this song, you still can't sing. Yes, even if you try it at the top of your lungs.

Rating: Not Acceptable

Of course there is also "Buddy!", he also drinks without limit, but seems to remain composed at all times. He is cordial and genuinely wants to hear about your life.

Buddy! has vague excuses on why he isn't allowed to drive anymore. He is on a first name basis with everyone in the bar. Buddy! is a functional alcoholic about ten years away from needing a liver transplant. You don't want to be him either. Trust me.

Buddy! is less cute when he suddenly passes out half way out the door at bar close and needs to be hoisted into a cab. That's when you realize he hasn't showered in a month. Also, he forgot to wear underwear again. Bartenders will be friendly because he comes in often and tips well. You are free to avoid him. His random life lessons won't help anyone except his boozy peers.

Keep this in mind the next time you watch "Cheers", everyone secretly hates Norm.

Rating: Borderline                                

PS

Chad, buddy! If you're reading this I'm just kidding. You know I love you. Please keep coming in. I still need to buy textbooks for next semester.